Monday, April 8, 2013

Day 4, 5 & 6

The last 3 days have been a blur of hospital carparks, coffee, doctors, nurses, medication and lots of crying. The one thing that stands out from it all is the amazing strength and pride from my nana. She is truly an inspiration, I have seen her through new eyes these past 5 days. Not just as nana, someone who is always just there, not just an elderly lady who loves her bingo and her grandkids and great grandkids, but just more. I sit in awe of her, laying in her hospital bed, struggling to breathe, no appetite and hardly able to sip water, but able to come out of consciousness to join in our conversations we are having around her bedside, either with a specific detail that we can't fathom how she remembers from years ago, or a little quip that has us bursting out loud with laughter, and crying for the woman that we all love so much. She is always surrounded by whanau, morning and night, and we are blessed to have three generations around her.

I feel blessed that I have been able to have this time to literally study my nan. When it seems like it's time, and the nurses say it is so, we are there watching every breath, studying her face for any signs of pain, watching her every movement, being there, really being there for her. I am so grateful to her, as we feel that nana is giving us time to mourn and grieve now so when it's her time, we can smile and know that she is truly in a better place.

I said to my daughter, because of mema (great grandkids call her this :)), you have your nanny who had mummy, and mummy had you. It really hit home how as a woman we truly are powerful within, and hold the world in our hands.

It was my mum's 60th birthday on Saturday, and at 12.02am my mother gave nana a kiss as she was still living, and this in itself was the greatest gift she could've ever given her. Nana quickly opened her eyes, grabbed mum and gave her a kiss and said Happy Birthday Linda. And then went back to sleep. How amazing is this woman.

And through all this I have maintained eating clean as much as possible, and even with little sleep and being emotionally and physically drained, it has shown me that food is just food. Purely an energy source.

I can only imagine what my nan is feeling and it reminds me of this quote:

"A strong woman became strong because of all the pain she has faced and won"

This is an unbearable thought, seeing how strong my beautiful nan is ...

Nana's hands clasped, waiting ...

B xx

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